Christian A. Klaiss (Chris) is my brother and expressed his willingness to be interviewed and provide his perspective on the topic of “Role Reversal”, in particular as it relates to our mother. I provided him with seven questions.
Below is Part 1 of my interview with Chris, which covers the first four questions. I thank my brother for his time, openness and contribution to Carolyn’s and my newsletter! I’m confident his insights will be helpful to you too!——————————————————————————————————————
Question 1: What do you think about my and Carolyn’s idea to share personal stories about loved ones’ aging process and end-of-life issues?
Input from Chris: I think your newsletters are a good way to share experiences with others. I’m sure people who are going through similar, challenging times with their loved ones can relate to the stories in your newsletters, and they can potentially find some useful advice and seek inner comfort knowing that they are not alone in facing these types of situations.
Question 2: Mom has been showing signs of cognitive decline for the last 3 to 4 years. What have you found most difficult about the progressive decline in Mom’s cognitive abilities?
Input from Chris: As this is our Mom – a person who knew us better than most other people did for so many years – it is particularly painful for me to see how she has forgotten many rudimentary aspects about us, as well as the lives we lead.
For me, Mom was no less than a “soulmate” during my childhood and adult life. I could confide in her about almost anything. We talked about a wide range of topics without any feelings of taboo. There was nothing that was off limits! To observe many of these past and very personal discussions having evolved into simple questions such as “Where do you live?” and “How many sons do I have?” has indeed been a tough transition.
I do have to say that I gained a more positive impression about Mom’s ability to remember things during my most recent visit to see her with my family. Mom could remember much more about my family and me than she has during most phone conversations I’ve had with her during the last several months.
A quick anecdote to Chris’ input: I accompanied our mother to a doctor’s appointment in July, 2020. I’ve spoken to Mom’s doctor – Dr. K. – on several occasions, and I met him in January, 2020. Mom has been a patient of Dr. K.’s for at least 6 years. During our visit to Dr. K. in July, 2020, he asked Mom how many children she has. Mom responded by saying, “I have two sons!” Even though Dr. K. and I wore a face mask, he looked at me in such a way as to say, “Did I miss something?” With a smile under my mask, I looked at Mom and said, “Mom, you have one son and one daughter”, to which she replied, “Yes, I know.” During my husband Marius’ and my most recent get-together with Mom this past weekend, she pointed out Dr. K’s office building as we passed it during a walk, and she knew that his office is on the 3rd floor. Furthermore, Mom recalled that Chris and his family came to visit her “not too long ago” (indeed it was the end of May 2021). Go figure!
Question 3: How has Mom’s aging process affected you, as well as your relationship with your wife Petra and the two girls?
Input from Chris: Mom’s mental decline has affected me greatly, as I am no longer able to communicate in the same way with the person who knew me inside and out for so many decades. Petra has been a great source of sympathy and support throughout this phase. Our 12-year-old daughter Sandra is certainly not oblivious to Mom’s aging process, while 5-year-old Vivienne is – perhaps luckily – too young to really understand what is going on.
Question 4: As opposed to me, you’ve been observing Mom’s cognitive decline from a distance of 450 miles, or 700 kilometers. Which additional challenges/difficulties has this fact posed for you?
Input from Chris: The distance is certainly a factor, but I would say the biggest challenge during the past almost 18 months has been COVID and the related travel restrictions. As Mom no longer lives in her apartment, there is no place for me to simultaneously remain in quarantine AND see Mom. Unfortunately, the COVID epidemic/lockdown was unfolding at the same time that Mom entered the nursing home. Fortunately, travel regulations were more relaxed during the summer of 2020, so Petra, the girls, and I drove to Switzerland and saw Mom virtually every day for about 10 days. Then, around New Year’s (2020/2021), I drove to Switzerland and stayed two nights in a hotel close to the nursing home. I saw Mom for the duration of visitation hours on January 2, 2021, before heading back home the next day. Other than these opportunities, it has been tough to see Mom in person, as we are at the mercy of international travel requirements as well as the nursing home’s own visitation policy, which has, at times, required a complete lockdown.
I hope the travel restrictions will be lifted soon, and remain that way permanently! Luckily, you have been able to visit Mom much more often, and I’m very glad you live in the same country as Mom. I’m also extremely grateful to you for your unending handling of the bureaucratic and administrative aspects that go hand-in-hand with Mom’s cognitive decline!——————————————————————————————————————
Please feel free to share this post and comment on Part 1 of my interview with Chris! Stay tuned for Part 2, which will be posted next week!
How lovely to get your perspective. Really enjoy your voice as an author Chris!
I was about to write the very same words that Carolyn wrote! Thank you for sharing your experiences, Chris!