Last week, I posted Part 1 of my interview with my brother Chris. Part 2 of my interview with him covers the last three of seven questions.
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Question 5: We lost Dad to cancer about 13&1/2 years ago. We had a brief amount of time to say “good-bye”, but we did! And I’m convinced Dad recognized us and knew we were there. What do you fear the most with respect to Mom’s continuing decline?
Input from Chris: Well, your question basically contains the answer. While Dad’s final weeks and passing due to his rapidly advancing tumors were obviously extremely sad, it is an encouraging memory that he recognized us all the way to the end. With Mom, it is different. I’m convinced you and I need to prepare ourselves for the time…sooner or later…that Mom may still be physically healthy, but not know who we are. This has already started to manifest itself, for example during phone calls I’ve had with Mom. Questions such as “Which one of my sons are you?” suddenly pop up. As you and I both know, I am her only son!
Situations like these have given impetus to my committing to using FaceTime-Video more often to communicate with Mom. Furthermore, I’m now able to truly empathize with our family friends who observed their loved ones go through something similar during the last 5 to 7 years of their loved ones’ lives (for example, Marianne, one of Mom’s closest friends in the United States).
Question 6: What is your advice to people who have been and are dealing with a loved one’s aging process?
Input from Chris: I have several points:
Don’t take your loved one’s negative and/or critical comments to heart. In these instances, it’s important to realize that it is not really the person him- or herself who is making these statements.
Should conversations get a bit sticky, remember the good times and hold onto special memories from the past. This is the opposite of the usual advice you get, namely “Don’t dwell on the past”. In situations involving cognitive decline, I feel dwelling on the past is the best way to go!
Try not to argue a point you know is untrue. For example, Mom believes her parents are still alive, even though they passed away in 1971. If your loved one believes something like this, then don’t try to prove him or her wrong. You can mention it once, but then move on. If your loved one finds comfort in believing that a certain condition or situation still exists, then leave it at that. There’s nothing to be gained by your “pushing back.”
When visiting your loved one, bring along some photos of people who have been dear to him or her (including photos of yourself!). Note on the backside exactly who the people in the photo are – especially their names and the relationship they have with your loved one. I’ve found this helps “trigger” Mom’s hard drive and is a great way to start or continue a conversation!
Patience, patience, and more patience! I’m known to take my time doing things compared to most other people, and yet even I perceive Mom’s current pace – taking things out of her closet, walking over to the coffee table, etc. – as excruciatingly slow. Perhaps one has the tendency to try to “push things along”, but it certainly doesn’t work with someone who is experiencing cognitive decline. It only agitates your loved one and doesn’t increase the speed of things one bit!
Question 7: What would you say to someone who may be faced with a loved one’s aging process in the foreseeable future?
Input from Chris: Engage in ample discussion with the person. Try to keep relevant memories alive. Also, from a preparedness standpoint, try to ascertain to which extent your loved one will be able to take care of himself or herself in one month, six months, etc. Weigh out the pros and cons of having your loved one geographically close to you vs. close to their current surroundings.
There was a time when I toyed around with the idea of potentially having Mom in a modern, attractive seniors’ home in a nearby neighborhood around Prague, where my wife, daughters, and I live. I thought, “Super, I’ll be able to visit her often!” However, I soon ditched the idea, as I realized the language barriers – the home’s staff could speak some English, but no German, and Mom speaks about four words of Czech – as well as the lack of people in the vicinity (besides us) who knew Mom, and whom Mom knew, would only complicate life for her.
One point that may be worth considering: Some older people may react better to a nursing home, while others might be better off continuing to live in their current home, but with 24-hour care in the form of a live-in helper. Attempt to find out what is possible, and what might work better for your loved one, even though it is admittedly extremely difficult to look into the future in this way. For some family members, the financial aspect of care is an important consideration. For others, having a live-in helper might be a financially attractive option, but may not be viable from a safety standpoint, since at the end of the day, a “stranger” will be living with your loved one. One thing is for sure…it’s a difficult situation for everyone involved.——————————————————————————————————————I am very grateful to Chris for his time and candidness! Please feel free to comment on and share his advice with others whom you know.
Of course, Carolyn and I welcome the opportunity to interview you, so please let us know if you’re interested. Interviews can be conducted in English or in German.
Chris' Perspective on "Role Reversal"
Thanks for Chris' 2nd of 2 commentaries - a very inightful & loving viewpoints - many correlate to our parents (RIP) - and some of our siblings (RIP) - although only my (Rich) brother had dementia (sometimes cogent) until passing away at age 85 - and each of our respective siblings (one each), alive, happily are not affected by Alzheimers or related disease. Rich & Anne. "ps" parents of Rich lived to 85, parents of Anne lived to 60 (Mom) and 81 (Dad). The myriad dynamics with aging parents are impactful - conscious / unconscious - re: personal relations, mode of care, financial aspects - the "list goes on"