Identity Crisis

The Art of Becoming a Chameleon

After having posted my three interviews – two of them with family friends and one with my brother – about their perspective on “Role Reversal”, I’d like to touch upon a topic I’ve called “Identity Crisis”.  What do identity crisis and chameleons have in common?  Well, to avoid being spotted, or “identified”, chameleons alter their colors to adapt to their (changing) environment.  Similarly, my mother’s cognitive decline has sometimes prompted me to assume another identity.  Let me explain.

Just like a chameleon changes its colors, I’ve learned to change mine if I need to

A few days before my mother’s 85th birthday in November 2019, I called her to let her know that Marius – my husband – and I wanted to take her out to lunch.  I mentioned we would come to her apartment and then drive to the restaurant.  At first, Mom spoke directly to me.  Then suddenly, Mom spoke to me as if she were talking to a third person.  She said, “Jackie and Marius also want to celebrate my birthday with me”.  I remember thinking to myself, “Wait a second.  Did I just hear what I thought I heard?”  I swallowed hard and said calmly, “Mom, you’re speaking to Jackie.  I am she.”  Mom replied, “Yes, I know”.  Just a few minutes later, Mom again mentioned that Jackie and Marius were coming to celebrate her birthday.  This time, I decided to “go with the flow” and said, “How nice that Jackie and Marius will be there too”! 

Like Mom losing sense of time, as well as her mood swings, this was yet another facet of Mom’s cognitive decline.  What I found most difficult was the realization that this could lead to questions like “Who are you?”, or comments like “I don’t know you”.  Just the thought made me, and still makes me, cringe.  

In early 2020, shortly before Mom entered the nursing home, I visited her in her apartment, and we went through the mail, in particular, the bills that needed to be paid.  I had been paying the bills on her behalf for a few months.  Mom looked at me and said, “I thought Jackie paid the bills”, to which I replied, “She does”.  Mom took my reply at face value, but for me, it was another manifestation of her continuing cognitive decline.  I dealt with these types of situations as best I could.  At the same time, I kept asking myself, “Who does Mom think she’s talking to?”.  I would have liked to have opened the door to Mom’s mind and find out what was going on “in there”. 

Recently, Marius and I visited Mom in the nursing home. We walked to a nearby restaurant to have lunch together.  It was a beautiful day, so we ate outside.  Marius and I also brought my mother chocolate, since – as I’ve mentioned in my previous pieces – Mom has a sweet tooth!  About two weeks after Marius’ and my visit, I spoke to Mom via FaceTime video.  She said, “I had lunch with R. and H. (her sister and brother-in-law, who are deceased).  We had a lovely time together”.  I smiled and said, “That’s great, Mom.  By the way, have you eaten the sweets that Marius and I brought you?”.  Mom said, “Yes, I have.  Thank you”! 

Marius took this photo of Mom and me after the three of us had lunch

During the last few months, Mom has often asked me how the kids are doing.  I know she’s referring to her granddaughters, Sandra and Vivienne, who are my brother’s children.  I’ve always said to Mom, “Mom, Sandra and Vivienne are Chris’ daughters.  Marius and I don’t have children”.  Interestingly enough, Mom has never been taken aback by my reply.  She has simply said, “Oh yeah, you’re right”. 

Some people might ask, “Why not just let your mother think that Sandra and Vivienne are your daughters?”.  I don’t want to do that, because I have the distinct feeling Mom might ask me at some point, “Why don’t you bring the kids with you when you visit me?”.  What would I say to her then?

Although it’s clear Mom doesn’t always know with whom she’s speaking, or who visited her, I do take comfort knowing that Mom…for the most part…recognizes me, and knows I’m her daughter.  I know there’s no guarantee it will stay this way.  In the meantime, I will deal with episodes of “identity crisis” by doing as chameleons do and try, for as long I can, to delay the inevitable, namely, that Mom will no longer be able to recognize any color at all. 

What have I learned from these experiences?  And what do I want to share with you?  Three things:

1. Decide when “go with the flow” vs. “bringing your loved one back to reality” is the better strategy. 

2. Don’t take it personally that your loved one confuses you for someone else.  There is absolutely nothing he or she can do about it.  

3. What you can do is try to keep the identity crisis at bay and help your loved one keep you at the forefront of his or her mind.  Call via video (e.g. FaceTime), visit when you can, and when you visit, take a look at photo albums together, or relay stories to stimulate your loved one’s memory.