In connection with my piece “Simplicity” which I posted this past September, I’d like to provide you with a recent example of what I described in that piece and reflect upon the impact on me as a caregiver to my mother.
As I mentioned in “Simplicity”, my discussions with Mom are now limited to talking about daily – and, to be perfectly honest – insignificant events and goings-on.
During the second half of September, my husband Marius and I went on vacation to Germany and Italy. After having endured the restrictions the pandemic had placed upon us, Marius and I were absolutely thrilled to get away! The change of scenery was wonderful, and we had a very relaxing vacation.
When we returned home, I called Mom. The first thing she said was, “Have you returned from your vacation refreshed and relaxed”? Before Marius and I left for vacation, I had mentioned to Mom that we would be gone for two weeks, but I certainly hadn’t expected her to remember! Needless to say, I was blown away that she did remember we had been on vacation.
Three days later, one of the nurses called me during the afternoon while I was at work and asked me if I had time to talk to my mother. Evidently, Mom had expressed the need to speak to me. I had no meetings that day, so I said I was available at that moment.
As pleasantly surprised as I had been three days earlier, I was flabbergasted at what I heard when I spoke to Mom that day.
Mom told me she had wanted to visit her mother, but couldn’t leave the nursing home. It’s important to know that her mother – my grandmother – passed away in 1971! I didn’t have the heart to tell Mom that her mother has been dead for 50 years. Instead, I told Mom the restrictions surrounding Covid-19 made it very difficult, if not impossible, for her to cross the border between Switzerland – where she is – and Germany, where my grandmother lived. Fortunately, Mom took my statement at face value.
Then, suddenly, Mom asked me:
· “What’s the name of the city where I live”?
· “What’s the name of the nursing home”?
I calmly mentioned the name of the city and nursing home to Mom. She asked me these questions at least three times, and I responded at least three times. Then, Mom asked me the following questions:
· “Where do you live”?
· “Where does Jackie live”?
I tried to keep my composure while providing Mom with the answers to her questions.
After about 20 minutes – and feeling like all my energy had been sucked out of me – I said to Mom, “Mom, I need to get back to work”. She understood, and we ended the call.
Let me put it this way. In the span of only 20 minutes, I had gone from being enthusiastic about working on my post-vacation-to-dos to feeling completely consumed and emotionally drained.
Before I left the small room I was in, I said to myself, “I need a cup of coffee…NOW”! However, even a strong cup of coffee couldn’t restore my energy level. So after about 30 minutes, I packed up my things and went home. Thankfully, Marius helped me restore my energy level during the course of the evening, but it definitely took a few hours!
We’re all familiar with the expression “one step forward, two steps back”. When I spoke to Mom immediately following my vacation, I felt like she had taken “one step forward”, only to realize – three days later – that she had taken (at least) “two steps back”.
A former work colleague and friend of mine, T., provided me with an analogy I’d like to share with you. Under normal circumstances:
E < B, where
E = Energy you expend, and B = Benefit to someone else
When someone you love suffers from cognitive decline, this equation for a caregiver looks more like:
E > B
Having said this, I’m available to talk to Mom if she wants or needs to talk. And it goes without saying the nursing staff can contact me at any time of the day or night in case of emergency.
At the same time, I have decided not to talk to Mom during the workweek…at least not during the day…unless it’s absolutely necessary. I’m there for Mom, but this recent conversation between Mom and me made it clear to me that I need to protect myself and keep E and B in balance.
🙏