I’ve written about a variety of topics directly related to my mother’s cognitive decline and the effect her cognitive decline has had on her and me. I’m going to take a detour and focus on a couple of interactions between Mom and me and the light they have shed – at least for me – on the relationship between my parents.
Mom and Dad were married for 42 years until my father died of cancer in December 2007. My parents didn’t always see eye-to-eye, but I consider my parents’ marriage to have been a solid and very amicable one. When Mom thought I was old enough, she sometimes said to me, “Your Dad and I have very different backgrounds, but I trust him fully! He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t gamble, and he certainly doesn’t cheat”.
I have absolutely no doubt Mom was right! Even I didn’t always see eye-to-eye with Dad, or, for that matter, Mom, but I did grow up feeling my parents loved each other and knowing they loved me and were always there for me.
As Christmas 2018 approached, Mom – as she had been in the habit of doing for so many years – asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I replied by saying, “Mom, the most important gift for me is the time I have to spend with you”. Most of the time, Mom would say something like “Honey, that’s sweet of you. But really, do you have a special wish”? This time was no different!
I’m not exactly sure what prompted me to take Mom up on her offer. Because I’ve lost Dad, and I’m in the process of losing Mom…albeit in a different way…I guess I wanted something to hold on to which embodied the relationship between Mom and Dad, so I said to Mom, “Mom, I’d love to have something that Dad gave to you”. She smiled and said, “Wonderful. I will do that for you”.
When Christmas arrived and Marius and I visited Mom, she gave me a small pouch. The pouch contained two pieces of jewelry:
1. A ring with three pearls that symbolized Mom, my brother Chris, and me,
and
2. A necklace with an aquamarine stone.
I was extremely touched by what Mom did, and I also felt Dad’s presence and love toward Mom!
What really shed a new light on things was what Mom said after I took a look at the necklace. Not once, not twice, but three times Mom said, “When your father gave this necklace to me, I said to him, ‘That’s not my birthstone. That’s Jackie’s birthstone. I didn’t understand why your father gave me a necklace with your birthstone, and not mine’”.
In the span of a few seconds, I found myself thinking:
· “Poor Dad. He wanted to do something sweet for Mom, and figuratively got slapped in the face”, and
· “I can understand if Dad became frustrated with Mom’s reactions, and sometimes decided to do or give less”.
Furthermore, I couldn’t help but think that the times “back then” when my mother complained about what my father did – or didn’t do – were not only his fault, but hers too.
After awakening from my “psychological analysis”, I said to Mom, “Mom, perhaps that was the point behind the aquamarine necklace. Dad gave you a necklace with my birthstone to represent what you and he had created, namely ME”!!
This scenario didn’t want to sink in with Mom, but then again, Mom’s cognitive decline had reached a level where a new perspective probably had no chance to sink in.
I wasn’t angry with Mom then, nor am I angry with her now. However, her comments shed a different light on my perception of her and dad’s marriage.
In January 2021, I had flowers delivered to Mom in the nursing home…just because. I had the floral shop add a card to the colorful bouquet with the words, “Dear Mom, a bit of sunshine during this rather gloomy period of the year”. When I called her, she said, “I didn’t get anything for my birthday, nothing for Christmas, and now all of the sudden I’ve received flowers. What’s going on?”.
When I relayed this “episode” to my Role Reversal writing partner, Carolyn, in February, her first words were, “You can imagine what your father went through”!
I can neither confirm Dad ever got these types of reactions from Mom when he gave her flowers, or a gift of any kind, nor does it matter. However, Carolyn has known the Klaiss family for a long time, so I believe her words contain a certain element of truth.
To be clear, I don’t think any less of Mom, or any more of Dad than I did before. At the same time, these examples have provided me with a new perspective on my parents’ relationship, which, for me, has actually been refreshing.
One thing is certain. When I wear the pearl ring and aquamarine necklace – which I often do – I feel an immense love for and deep gratitude toward Mom and Dad!
Thank you for this newsletter, Jackie and Carolyn! It provided me a very helpful reminder to always be appreciative of people’s kindnesses, and to focus on the gift even if it is not exactly what we wanted. These words were very helpful to me!
I love this essay, Jackie. It gives us real insight into your mom---the mom beyond the cognitive decline. And that helps all your other essays in Role Reversal come into a clearer focus. Also, it's a wonderful story of parents: those mysterious people we spend our whole live trying to figure out!