Bob's Perspective on "Role Reversal"

Bob Wyrick is a friend of mine whom I met shortly after I moved to Chicago during the summer of 1989. As I did with my interviews with Rich and Chris, I provided Bob with seven questions. 

Below is my interview with Bob.  I thank Bob for his time, openness and contribution to Carolyn’s and my newsletter!  I’m sure his insights will be helpful to you too! 

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Question 1:  You read our “Role Reversal” newsletter.  What do you like about it?  To which extent do you think our newsletter “has indeed struck a need”? 

Input from Bob:  The newsletter is a great forum to highlight shared experiences between those who have become de facto caregivers for their parents.  The task (although I hate to call it that) of looking out for an infirmed parent can be overwhelming.  Emotions can run the gambit of guilt, sadness, empathy, and joy – sometimes in the course of a single interaction.  The newsletter is a great way of letting readers know they are not alone in their experiences, and hopefully gives them inspiration to help them through the journey.

Question 2:  Your father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in the early 1990’s.  Although it’s been several years since he passed away in 1994, what did you find most challenging about his aging process?

Input from Bob:  When my father first showed symptoms of Alzheimer’s, I was living in Philadelphia, while he lived in Chicago.  The distance made it a challenge to care for him initially.  I was fortunate to have a cousin who lived with him and provided some “supervision” until I was able to relocate to Chicago.  Once I returned, I was able to regularly check in on my father and saw his mental decline firsthand.  I hired a health care professional to stay with him during the day – to make sure my father didn’t hurt himself, do any damage to the house, or just wander off.  Back then, little was known about Alzheimer’s (causes, treatments, etc.).  The only drug that was available was called Cognex and was viewed as almost experimental.  My dad was prescribed the drug, but he was only on it for a year before he passed away, so we couldn’t determine what benefit if any the drug would have provided.  Now we know more about the disease and treatments have progressed dramatically.  It was tough to see my dad’s mental state decline, but through it all he always recognized me when we saw each other.  This wasn’t the case for most of the people he once knew.  I was happy to have been able to be with him for the last year of his life.

Question 3:  How did your father’s aging process affect you, and how did it affect your relationship with other people (extended family members and friends), and your work?

Input from Bob:  The greatest gift my father’s illness gave me was the reinforcement that life is incredibly short…and it seems to accelerate more with age!  Since that experience almost 30 years ago, I’ve made a conscious effort to savor each moment, take nothing for granted, and try to make all my interactions as pleasant as possible, even if the situation is difficult.  I’ve also turned up the dial on my empathy meter.  In my youth, I was very quick to judge others.  However, now I realize that you have no idea what another person may be going through, so my motto has become, “Cut them a little slack”.  If after interacting with them a bit, and they’re still acting like knuckleheads well… 😊.

Question 4:  How did family members, friends, and coworkers support you during your father’s aging process?  What do you wish they would have done more of…and less of?

Input from Bob:  In general, family members, friends and coworkers were supportive.  Back then, Alzheimer’s was a relatively new diagnosis, so I was asked more questions (repeatedly) than I had answers for, but I knew it was out of genuine concern so I didn’t mind.  I found that the greatest challenge for them to decide “to visit” or “not to visit” if they were in the area.  Putting myself in their shoes, it would have been difficult for me to see my dad in that state.  He may or may not have remembered them and attempts at conversation could be difficult and uncomfortable.  Looking back, I think my dad enjoyed the company even if he was meeting old friends for the first time with each visit. 😊 Visits not only help boost the parent’s spirits, but those of the caregivers as well.

Question 5:  What do you think is similar (and different) about the way in which men and women cope with the aging process of a loved one?  What can men and women learn from each other during this phase of a loved one’s life?

Input from Bob:  While it’s tough to generalize, I do feel that men tend to avoid the situation more than women.  I’ve seen cases where siblings are faced with caring for an elderly parent, and it seems that the daughter, or daughters, carry a heavier load.  I was an only child, so I had the main responsibility. However, I did have the good sense to reach out to a relative…female, of course…for assistance.  The best advice I can give is to communicate with each other.  If one caregiver is a better cook and the other is better with finances, then divvy up the jobs accordingly.  Definitely share the load of providing care, and by all means, visit your loved one as much as possible! 

Question 6:  What is your advice to people like Carolyn and me, who are dealing with a loved one’s aging process?

Input from Bob:  Be patient and understanding.  Realize that even though your loved one may not be recognizable as the person you grew up with, he or she is still there in fleeting moments.  Remember, we’re all just breath on a mirror.  Enjoy the time you have together!  

Question 7:  What would you say to someone who may be faced with a loved one’s aging process in the foreseeable future?

Input from Bob:  Here in the U.S., when the time approaches to determine if a loved one should receive in-home care, be placed in an assisted living facility, etc., there are a host of legal and tax considerations that need to be addressed.  I strongly recommend consulting with a legal/tax professional while your loved one still has some cognitive control.
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Thanks again to my friend Bob for his time and candidness! Please feel free to comment on and share Bob’s advice with others.  

Of course, Carolyn and I welcome the opportunity to interview you, so please let us know if you’re interested.